As time inches closer to the arrival of baby number two, I can’t help feel an odd sense of sadness. Don’t get me wrong, we are all so excited about having another little bubba (especially little Finn) in the family and the love I feel for this little one as he kicks away in my tummy is just as strong as the first time round.
My sadness has nothing to do with that, but it is more about letting go of having Finn to myself and being able to share my love with another baby. It has hit me in a way I could not have imagined.
I think it is a common fear among a lot of parents. When you have your first child, you are so consumed by this overwhelming, uncontrollable love for this small person that you wonder how you will ever feel that for another being. How could you possibly when that child has taken up every inch of your bursting heart? They are your first. Everything was new with them. Their firsts were firsts for you. You cherish every single laugh, every milestone, every achievement. You relish in their joy and you sympathise in their sadness (in my case, cry). Your time with them is just you two and you can do whatever you choose. You can provide them with your full undivided attention and you can’t imagine a day going by where you don’t think about them.
I know that life with two babies will not be the same as having one. I left quite a large age gap between the two because I got so caught up relishing in my time with Finn that I couldn’t imagine sharing him. I wanted him to have all of me for as a long as possible. Now I can see that he is so desperate for a sibling and someone to share his life with that I question if I left it too long.
For us, it was the right timing and I am so eager to watch my little man become a big brother and teach him all he knows. I also can’t wait to have another baby to love and cherish just as I do with Finn. I know that the love in my heart will be not be divided but magnified tenfold for both my boys and Finn’s love for his brother will be the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.
So before I start my life as a mother of two boys, I wanted to share this letter to my first born. I hope you can relate xox
Dear Finn,
Soon we will be adding another little baby boy to our family and I am so excited for you to become a brother and share all that love you have inside with him. But before he arrives, there are a few things I wanted you to know.
The moment you were born my life changed forever. You made me a mum and everything before seemed so insignificant compared to the responsibility of protecting and loving you. I could not believe what we had created. This beautiful, cheeky , happy little baby with the most infectious smile and sparkly blue eyes. I was addicted.
I was reasonably young when I had you. I was inexperienced and unsure. I was anxious and overprotective. I didn’t know what I was doing but I was doing my best. As the years went by quickly, our bond was so strong that we became best mates and the perfect team. I watched you grow and develop, and I saw much of my own personality in you. Your stubbornness, and your sensitivity. You’re leadership and eagerness to learn. Even though I had to return to work when you turned one, every other moment I had was spent with you and that time together I will cherish forever.
Those moments spent together, I would often find myself hanging on your every word. On our baby-chino dates, I would often just stare at you wondering how we had created you. You were perfect. I would listen to you tell me your stories. I would answer all of your questions about everything and anything around you. I would take you to new places and just indulge in your utter amazement and joy in your surroundings. I would come in to you room at night when you were sleeping to give you a kiss and often find myself just watching you, so peaceful and innocent.
Daddy and I would smother you in kisses and cuddles every single day, telling you how much we loved you and that overwhelming affection become in-bedded in you as you shared it with others. Those moments where you would tell me you loved me and that I was your best friend, I hope they never end.
My priorities changed when I had you and as much as I tried to be “not just a mum”, everything I did was really for you. I guess that comes from my upbringing, but your happiness always came first before mine and it always will. I went back to work (and changed my career) so that daddy and I could have a home for you to grow up in as your own. I wanted you to have the things I never got to have growing up and most importantly I wanted you to have two parents who loved each other.
I have had you to myself for almost four years now and it is hard for me to let that go. I knew I always wanted more than one child, but I was so caught up in you that I waited so long before even thinking about another one. I was probably a bit selfish, because I could see how much you wanted a sibling and someone else to play with.
In a few weeks time we will have a baby in the house and things will be a little different. I will have someone else to care for which means my time with you will often be interrupted.
I am going to miss it being just us Finn. I am going to miss our baby-chino dates and crawling in to your bed at night and hearing about your day. I am going to miss sneaking you in to our bed at night without the interruptions of a new baby annoying you. I am going to miss being able to listen to your every word as you try and tell me your stories whilst the baby distracts us. I am going to miss our fits of laughter at the silliest of things.
This does not mean these things will end. I will still climb in to your bed at night, and I will still take you on baby-chino dates and read you books. I will still laugh at your every joke. I promise you that my baby boy, but my attention might not always be 100%.
Those readings might be interrupted by your brother squealing and the baby-chinos dates might be shorter than usual. I might have to feed your baby brother when you want me to play cars and things that used to come easy, might have to wait.You might choose to stay in your own bed at night time because the baby will keep you awake but I hope you still climb in to ours. I never want you to stop showering me in kisses and hugs or crawling up on to my lap to read books. We might just have to squish together on the couch to do so.
What I do know is that I love you more than you will ever understand and that will never change. Although life will be changing soon, it will be such a wonderful new experience for us all and we will share this new love together. I am dreaming of the moment you see your brother for the first time and I already know how loving you are going to be. I know you will take on so much responsibility of protecting him and helping out mummy and I know my heart will just explode with love as I watch you teach him all that you know.
Mummy and daddy are going to have to share their and attention between the both of you but our love for you will not be divided . It just means the love in our hearts will multiply (how that is possible, we will soon find out!). We will learn to devote our time to you both and I want you to know that I will always be there for you no matter what. My one hope is that you never feel ignored or jealous and I apologise now for the times where I might be too tired or stressed and snap at you because I never ever want to upset you.
You will always be my first born Finn. The one who changed my life forever, who made me grow as a person and taught me so much about love and strength. I will never forget our time together as just us and the unbreakable bond we share.
Please know that although I will continue to make mistakes and I will never be perfect, my adoration and love for you will never change, no matter how much life does.
Love your mummy xox
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