The other night I was rocking Leo to sleep quietly and at the same time I was scrolling through social media catching up on the latest goss, of course.
I came across a picture of a friend (who doesn’t have kids) looking absolutely fabulous in a dress and knee high boots. It immediately took me back to my days of getting dressed up and going out and at that moment I had a true realisation. I had started to lose the me, and I had just become mum.
I don’t know when it happened, nor do I recall if the same thing happened when I had Finn but it had just happened naturally.
I was always maternal as a teenage girl and most of my close friends and family always called me the “mum” of the group. Even at my work places I was often seen as the mum without yet having kids and so I guess I slid in to the roll quiet easily. That wasn’t to say being a mum was easy but the maternal instinct was always there.
Having babies changed life dramatically and of course like for many others it became always about the kids. I stopped going out for drinks with the girls, Chance and I stopped having date nights, I stopped wearing makeup everyday and I stopped dressing up because it became less of a priority. My kids came first and I really disliked leaving them. When Finn started to get older I found it easier to go out every now and then but even then it was rarely (and I am talking like three years old!). After having Leo and another baby I found it even harder to leave the both of them and in the past 6 months I have only left Leo for a few hours with Chance and once with mum for a maximum of four hours. When I did leave him with mum, I called three times to check on him and mum had to tell me repeatedly to enjoy my night. It was the first time Chance and I had been out alone together since having him as well (and that includes our wedding!). Even when I got a pedicure prior to my wedding, I had Leo sitting on my lap. When I get my hair done, I would have Leo by my side and feeding. Those moments where I could have possibly zoned out and had some pampering were never relaxing because I had to feed or settle a baby.
This was just my life. I didn’t see it as giving up anything but just my priorities changing and of course that’s natural but the other night when I saw that photo and I thought about the last time I had dressed up properly and really had a night out, I realised I had lost part of myself.
After returning to work just two weeks ago, I now have the added mum guilt of leaving the kids to earn a wage so it makes it even HARDER to leave them to do something for myself because my time with them has become so valuable. However, I am also often stressed, tired and run down due to the never ending role as a mum from 7am until 8pm at night. I realise that having something that is just for me will make me a better mum and not a constantly stressed, anxious version! (and no, work does not count as proper me time. Even if I do get to go to the toilet without distractions).
I was always a social butterfly. I loved getting dressed up and having a few wines and I missed that. I used to love going to the mall and buying a nice dress for myself to wear out one night and the last thing I bought for myself was a sweatshirt for the gym (months ago). I don’t remember the last time I bought a nice outfit but I do remember the several times I have bought the boys outfits. The times I wear makeup, Chance will comment on it because it is so rare. I haven’t had my eyebrows done since the wedding, nor my hair or my nails which used to be something I loved to do for myself.
Of course having a young baby, these things can be expected but I want to find myself again. I want to go out at least once a month. Not every six months. I want to put makeup on, get dressed up and dance with my girlfriends without calling home five times to check on the kids when I know they’re OK. I want to have a bloody glass of wine!! Of course my favourite part of the night is always coming home to them and getting my hours worth of missed snuggles but to have those few hours where I am me and not a mum, I need those.
So going forward, I vow to do at least ONE thing for myself (child-free) every month. Whether it be a night out with the girls dancing to “No Scrub” or getting a massage without the chirping of “mum, can you come and wipe my bum” in the background, pulling me out of my zen. It will be something to look forward too and if only just once a month I won’t feel so much guilt for leaving them but will know how important it is to have that time to focus on me as the person I was before I became a mum, the person I have lost a part of since becoming a mum and the person I need to find again since becoming a mum. This month was a morning at the hot springs with a girlfriend and it was bliss!
What do you do for yourSELF outside of being a mum? and if you don’t, jump on board my train mamas! Set yourself a goal of one night or day of the month where it is just about you. Leave the kids with your husband/partner/someone you trust and go and do something for yourself. I know you have been told this before but I know you haven’t listened because I didn’t either. Talk to your husband about a time that will work for both of you so that he can also be prepared that you will be away for that time. You can make it work and you need it for YOU and for YOUR kids! I hope to hear stories of your ME time soon.
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