“Oh, it’s sooo much harder”
“Like not even double as hard but 10x as hard”
“If you thought one was tough, wait till you have two”.
These were just some of the comments I received when I was pregnant with Leo and preparing to adapt from having one child for four years to having two children. Admittedly, the comments scared me a little.
“Shit, what have we got ourselves in to?”
I had already suffered anxiety with Finn, what was it going to be like with two kids?! I already stressed with Finn, how much more was I going to stress with two kids? Was it going to make me even worse of a mum (I don’t think I’m a bad mum but I have my moments!). Well now three months in to having two children and I can honestly say it is not as bad as everyone made it out to be. Yes, it is harder. Of course it is harder, you’re adding a whole other being to your already sort of established family. Just when you thought you might have had things under control you’ve decided to turn the table on its head again. I joke.
But do you know what is harder than having two kids? Becoming a first time parent. That shit is out of control. You take two people who are used to having time together, being able to go to the toilet on their own and being able to do what they want WHEN they want and throw a baby in to the mix and life is up-heaved (for a good cause of course!). Having a second baby, you’re already prepared for that stuff! You know you’re going to have sleepless nights or be spewed on (and most likely shat on) every day and you know that your time especially for those first six weeks will be spent under the thumb of your new baby. You have been here before and even now four years later since Finn was born, we still stop and look at each other and say “oh yeah I remember that!” or “that’s how you do that”.
Does it make it easier that you know all of this stuff? Yes! Let me say, of course it is hard waking up every two hours to feed during the night. It’s exhausting. But I had that expectation from when Finn was born and so I decided to relax about it. I knew that those first weeks of having a newborn would just be about getting through the days and so I took the pressure off myself and I did hardly anything! and it was great. Did I have meltdowns? Of course. I’m not perfect. I get stressed and the exhaustion gets to me and sometimes I lose my shit. It doesn’t happen often but I had those exact same feelings when Finn was a newborn if not much worse because I put way to much pressure on myself to continue as normal with a newborn baby. To have the house clean, and food cooked and it just doesn’t work that way. This time I was less stressed, less anxious and therefore have only had one meltdown so far (and that was after 3 hours of cluster-feeding on a 40 degree day!)
I’ll tell you what is hard about having two kids.
Giving them both attention-I knew this would happen when I was pregnant. I knew I would struggle with giving Finn my attention whilst having a new baby and to be honest I still am. He doesn’t get a lot of my attention at the moment and yeah I feel guilty about it but that is why him going back to day care has been amazing. He still gets to see his friends, and I get to have a break to bond with Leo. Chance and I also share when he is home, so one of us is with each child and Finn is now becoming a daddy’s boy from all the time they spend together, which is great for them! I remember in the first few weeks where I was just feeding all the time and Finn was so desperate for someone to play with him and when I couldn’t he would ask me if I still loved him. That was one of the hardest moments since becoming a mum of two because I felt like I was failing him. I was always telling him off for not listening or to be quiet and I felt like he was always getting in trouble when really he was just struggling. Often when I was stressing at him, I would just stop and look at his face and know he was just trying to cope with this change in his life and I would just cuddle him. We really tried our best to not make him feel left out and always have one of us with him but even so, he missed having all of us all the time.
In hindsight, I should NEVER have taken him out of day care for two months (don’t do it!) as I thought it would be good to bond with the new baby but in reality, every single day at home made him stir-crazy and especially because it was hard for me to go anywhere. At four years old, Finn has a lot of testosterone and needs to be doing something all of the time, so apart from a quick trip to the park I had to be really creative and think of ways to entertain him at home whilst feeding. Things like drawing me pictures, arts & crafts, helping me bake lactation cookies (lol) and probably too much time watching ABC kids (guilty!).
Probably the hardest part for me having two children has been dealing with Finn’s energy levels when I have been exhausted and his new found attitude where he talks back and tells ME off. This is where I come back to feeling like I am always telling him off because this four-year-old stage is on another level! My advice is to keep the older child in child care for at least two days a week to give you time to recharge and focus on your baby and DON’T feel guilty about it. They had all of you for however many years of their lives and that’s something your new baby won’t have so don’t feel bad about trying to have some bonding time.
However, it is getting easier and now that Leo is getting bigger and has play time, Finn is loving having a chat to him and being able to interact with him more. He absolutely adores his little brother and when Leo is kicking away on his mat, it gives me time to play with Finn and catch up on all I have missed out on. I have been saving up a supply of breast-milk so I can take Finn on our first movie date with just him and I to bond with him more and remind him how much I love him and that I will always be there for him.
The other things that are hard is going places like the supermarket. I hated going to the supermarket with one child let alone two! Now I really have to think smart and put Leo in the carrier whilst I shove Finn in the trolley so he doesn’t run away from me 100 times and then I hastily dump food around his little body as he sits there telling me how bored he is, ha! I try and get all my grocery shopping done on a day he is in day care now but as we all know, there is always something you need from the supermarket! In fact, a lot of places are hard to go with two kids and this is again where it comes down to expectations, Don’t put pressure on yourself to attend every event, especially while your family is adapting to a new baby. When you do decide to go places with both the kids, make sure it’s somewhere where the older child can run around and burn some energy like a playground, a park or a play centre. This will make it less stressful for you as the older child will be happy and you can watch and feed if needed.
Now, what’s to love about having two kids? so much.
I have loved having a newborn baby this time around and as harsh as it sounds, I have found it much more enjoyable than the first time because I kinda know what I am doing and I have been blessed with a really chilled out little baby. I try not to compare my children too much but sometimes it is impossible not too and Finn was a terror to get to sleep in those first months, years, still is. Leo doesn’t sleep often either but it’s different because I can put him down in his bed and he will fall asleep on his own. I don’t have to rock him for hours or push him in the pram to get to sleep. I also believe that because I am not as anxious or worried this time around that it has made me enjoy it so much more.
I had a lot of anxiety when Finn was born and I learnt how to deal with it so that when Leo arrived, if it does ever flare up, I take it for what it is. I believe that me choosing not to stress as much also has a positive reflection on how Leo is as well. I have just loved being able to enjoy having a newborn again and having the chance to indulge in him more. With your first you get so overwhelmed by this life-changing experience that it goes before your eyes. Having a second baby really allows you to slow down and appreciate the moment more because you know how quickly they grow. I guess it’s true what they say when firstborns are like your trial baby that you learn from (I am a firstborn so I am not offended). We obviously adore them just as much and they hold something extra special in our hearts as our first babies but we learn so much from them as well.
In a previous post I talked about the fact that I did not know if I could love another baby as much as my first and let me tell you, you will! It is true that your love just multiplies and I immediately fell in love with Leo the moment I met him and it has just grown tenfold in the three months we have had together. In no way do you love your first any less either but it’s a different love because they are at totally different stages of life. You have this mushy, obsessive love with your second because they’re a newborn baby and are so reliant on you (and they can’t answer back!) where as with your older child, they are more independent and don’t need you as much. Watching your oldest become a sibling thought is the most heart warming thing you will experience.
I also love my age gap and again this is just suited to me, as every age gap has it’s pros and cons but Finn absolutely adores his brother and I can talk to him about what is going on. If I am feeding, I can explain to him why I can’t play with him and he understands. He might not find it easy as times but he knows what I am saying. He is so proactive in getting tissues when he spits up or getting me nappies when I need to change him. It makes me so proud to watch him as a brother and I know that even though he struggles with the changes that he had four years of my undivided attention and Leo won’t ever have that so he will be OK.
Watching Finn meet his brother for the first time was the best thing I have ever experienced and now watching him with Leo as he grows and starts to interact is just so beautiful. He can lie there talking to him for ages, and although Leo doesn’t understand a word he just smiles away at Finn and Finn thinks that is the best thing in the world. Of course they will have their moments as Leo gets old, they will fight, snatch and probably have a bit of rough and tumble but their bond will be unbreakable and for me, that makes it all worth it.
There’s also the fact that soon enough Leo will be able to interact with Finn more and that will be so great for him to have someone to engage with when I am busy making dinner or cleaning. I find it hard when Finn constantly asks me to play with him when I need to get stuff done and as much as I like to slow down and have one on one time with him, I still like to have the house under control as it makes me feel less stressed. Having a sibling helps immensely with free entertainment 😉
Anyway, I could go on for ages but I guess my biggest point is having two kid is hard, there will be times it will test you and you’ll mutter under your breath (have two kids, they said) but in my experience it was not as hard as most people made out and I have had friends agree with that. There are challenges whether you have one, two or ten children but there are amazing things that people forget to mention to you and I just wanted to let you know that! I think it comes down to our expectations as well as to how hard it will be and if we take a bit of pressure off of ourselves (easier said than done) then I think you will find the second time around will be easier. You will have to be creative in ways when going places and on how to entertain them but you will find a way that suits you with a bit of trial and error. I wish you the best of luck on your journey to baby number two!
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