Before having Finn, I was a pretty laid back person. Always super organised and a bit of a control freak, but I didn’t stress about silly things. I had never been depressed, nor had anxiety or panic attacks. I remember getting a little bit anxious when I was running late for something, which is ironic because now I am always late for things.
When anxiety hit me, it hit me hard because it was something I wasn’t used too.
When I look back now, I think it probably started during pregnancy and just continued to worsen as time went on. Because my pregnancy was unplanned, I felt like I had already made mistakes by going out drinking without knowing and eating the wrong foods. Even though I know this happens to a lot of people, I felt like I had already affected his health and my overprotective drive had set in. From there I kind of just sent myself in to a downwards spiral of worry. Was I eating the right foods? was I exercising too much? was I taking my prenatal vitamin every day? It was normal things mums would be cautious of but on a much more heightened scale.
It wasn’t until I had Finn in hospital that I really noticed something had changed in me. The nurses offered to take Finn and soothe him (he was crying) so I could get some sleep. I woke up a few hours later and Finn wasn’t there. His bed was missing and panic set in. I jumped out of bed and raced out to the nurse’s area to find him sleeping in his bed by their desk (although no-one was around, which made me panic more!) I took him back to my room and cried.
When I arrived home from the hospital, it got worse. I remember a few days after he was born I had to get some groceries as we didn’t have enough food so I left him with my mum to shoot down quickly and grab some stuff. In hindsight, I should have just got mum to do it but I thought I would be OK. I felt panicky the entire time and rushed so quickly. In the end I couldn’t contain myself and I called mum like three times to make sure he was OK. I had terrible thoughts like what if she dropped him and didn’t tell me (not because I didn’t trust her but my mind was just thinking the worst) and cried all the way home rushing to get back to him. He was fine.
I barely left Finn often when he was little but every time I would have to give myself self-talk to get through it.
Aside from anxiety, I also had postpartum OCD which is definitely related. Basically my mind went in to overprotective mode and it was imagining the most awful things that could happen to my child. I was so scared of not being able to protect him and lived in absolute fear of anything happening to him. When people held him, I would watch them like a hawk to ensure they didn’t drop him. I would wake several times in the night just to make sure he was breathing. I would show up at the doctors for every single little runny nose or cough. I would be driving in the car and scared of someone crashing in to us.
After a few weeks of dealing with this, I knew I needed help. I had never experienced this and I did not want to let it destroy me or my time with my beautiful new baby. I remember just crying those first few weeks wondering what was going on. I was so in love with this new baby and so overprotective of him that I just couldn’t cope with the fear of something happening to him. However, I did find it really hard to admit something was wrong with me. I am a stubborn person and I like to think I have control over my life so to succumb to the idea of suffering from anxiety was a big thing for me and really showed me I couldn’t control everything. It was also the best thing I could have done for myself because it made me want to get help immediately.
I spoke to my doctor about what I was going through and we decided to try medication. Let me first say, I am not against medication but I don’t like to take it. I know it has helped a tonne of people but I don’t like putting anything in to my body when I don’t know how it’s going to affect it. I barely take a panadol unless absolutely necessary so I did struggle with the thought of taking anxiety medication but I needed something to help me and nothing else was working. I was put on Lexapro, which I was assured was safe while breastfeeding. I was also then referred to a psychologist who was an expert in postpartum health.
I can definitely say now that the medication helped, but what helped me most was my psychologist. He really put things in to perspective for me. I remember crying to him, asking him why I was going through this, where it stemmed from and if I was a bad mother. He would scribble things on the whiteboard in front of me, he would explain how the brain changed when you became a mother and most importantly he bluntly told me why I was NOT a bad mother and in fact I was actually a bloody good mother. In the most simplest of terms, my mind was playing tricks on me and my protective instinct had gone haywire. We worked through some things in my past that may have contributed to it and then focused on some methods of getting through it.
When Finn turned one, I was finally at a place where I could come off the medication. I was able to use self-help to work through my thoughts and see what them for what they were, just thoughts. They did come back frequently but I knew how to handle them.
Fast-forward to my pregnancy with Leo and things were so much different. I was more relaxed about what I was eating, and really focused on my health & well-being. Admittedly, I was scared that the anxiety/OCD would flare up again but I knew that this time I would be prepared for it, know it for what it was and wouldn’t let it beat me. Now three months postpartum and I can tell you, it is so much better to what I went through with Finn. Does it flare up sometimes? yes. Sometimes I still freak out if someone else is holding Leo, but then I remember what to do and I relax a bit.
My message to my mama’s out there is to seek help as soon as you know something isn’t right. I have since connected with many mums who have gone through this and it is so humbling to have people to talk about it with. When I was going through it with Finn, I was new to Australia and didn’t really know any other mums so I kept it to myself. I turned to online groups of others going through the same thing and they were a saving grace because they would reassure me so often that I would be OK and it would get better.
Now looking back to those first few months with Finn and I feel sad and guilty. I tried desperately not to let it affect my relationship and bonding with him but I do remember just nights of crying as I held him and stared in to his eyes. I loved him so much and I wanted him to know that more than anything but I equally didn’t know what was happening to me.
I believe because I was proactive in seeking help and because these feelings were so unusual for me, that it was vital in my recovery. I never suffered from depression although when you do get anxiety it can cause you to get very down. I also never had panic attacks because I could feel it coming on and used what I had learnt to control it.
Most importantly, there are such an unbelievable amount of mums (and dads) that go through this that we need to remove the stigma around it. Anxiety should NOT define us as people. We should be able to share our experiences, and what has helped us get through. I can’t begin to explain how important it was for me to know others were going through what I was. That I was NOT alone and that I was NOT a bad mum.
Lastly, if you are going through this, it will get better. My second time around has been so different to the first and I have been able to enjoy this absolutely beautiful newborn stage so much more because I know what to expect. My anxiety does flare up every now and then but I control it almost immediately and it has not affected me once this time around. I suspect it will always be a part of me in one way or another but I almost forget it is there. Only when I am really stressed or fatigue does it show up and it never lasts long (again usually if I am late for something). The OCD can also show up at times, like when someone is holding Leo but I can recognise it for what it is and I can move past it. This is honestly the biggest accomplishment for me after what I went through with Finn.
Please, if you need to talk to someone, get in touch with me. Ask me as many questions as you need. You have got this!
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