It’s a debate that seems to never end when you become a mum. Who’s got it harder?! Those who choose to stay at home with their kids or those who return to work.
There seems to be this misconception that stay-at-home mums are slack (and drinking coffee all day) because they don’t work or that working mums don’t care about their kids because they leave them to earn an income. No matter what you do, you’re slammed for it and it has to stop.
In my time of having two kids, I have done both and let me tell you, they are both bloody hard. They both have their challenges and triumphs. They both leave you feeling a tonne of mum guilt for different reasons. If you’re working, you feel absolutely guilty for leaving them and if you stay at home with them you feel guilty that they might not receive the life they deserve without that second income.
From my experiences in both roles, being a stay-at-home mum is physically tougher on you and being a working mum is mentally very tough (and often they both will be physically AND mentally tough). When you stay at home, you barely catch a break. Most of the time you can’t even go to the toilet by yourself. You’ll go months trying to get housework done whilst having a baby attached to your hip. You’ll cook, clean, make sure you’re spending enough one-on-one time with each child and when you’re not fighting to get the baby to sleep, you might get half an hour to do something for yourself but usually just end up cleaning more. When your husband walks in the door, that’s when you pass the baby to him so you can JUST HAVE FIVE MINUTES!!!! Yes there are times where you’ll go out for a coffee with friends or a play date but what people don’t realise is just how hard it can be to even do that. You’ll be craving for some social interaction but you may have to battle a screaming baby in the car on the way there or even during said coffee date (which does not make it enjoyable by any means). You may have to clean a poo explosion mid play date and you will probably look less than desirable to the outside world because you didn’t have time to try and look presentable when the baby wouldn’t let you put him down. People only see what’s presented in front of them. They don’t see behind-the-scenes. They don’t know what feelings a mum may be battling inside of anxiety or stress. Think about that before you judge. Do you know their story? Words are powerful and you never know when you’re judgement might push someone over the edge.
Being a working mum is also extremely hard but in a different way. You can spend all night up with the baby and then try and survive on five broken hours of sleep the next day, whilst trying to do your job (there’s no break for a nap either!). Then when you’re at work, you will work twice as hard because you know that any day you will get a call from day care to say one of the kids is sick and you’ll feel like a burden and stress constantly about keeping your job. In the mornings your mind runs 100 miles an hour making sure you’re up on time, the kids are fed breakfast, you scoff something down whilst expressing breast milk for your baby to have at child care, you have the kids bags ready and then rush out the door much later than you anticipated because your preschooler needed to take a poo right before leaving. You’ll be stressed and yell and then feel guilty for yelling. You’ll rock up to work late and slightly dishevelled and then you’ll spend the next 8 hours missing your kids like hell (OK not all the time) and questioning why you have to work (when you know why) and what idea you can come up with that will make you a millionaire instantly. Yes, you’ll get to go to the toilet by yourself and even eat in peace and quiet. You won’t have someone screaming at you or needing to be held all the time. You won’t have to rock them to sleep because someone else will be doing it for you. You’ll get to have social conversation about normal stuff without any interruptions. But that still doesn’t make it easy.
What I’m trying to highlight here is both roles are bloody hard and we shouldn’t be judging others for their choice to stay at home or go to work. I know as a working mum I have battled my emotions most days with the desperate desire to be at home with my baby and I know as a stay at home mum I was desperate just to have an hour to myself.
At the end of the day what it comes down too is that if it doesn’t affect you, why do you care? Everyone makes their own choices in life based on what is right for them at that moment. Too often I have felt like I have had to justify myself for returning to work full-time and I’m the first to admit that it’s the bloody hardest thing I’ve ever done. I love my job and I love being career focused and challenged but I miss my babies everyday. Even knowing how hard being a stay at home mum is, I would take it over working any day just to be with them more or at least working less. I’ll be honest and say I have been jealous of stay-at-home mums, not of the role because it’s the hardest thing ever, but because they get that time with their babes. Instead I focus on the positives and make the most of every moment I get to be with them.
Let’s start rising each other up in stead of tearing one another down. We are all in this together. Let’s support each other and if you don’t agree with another’s decision, that’s fine but keep it to yourself. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, no matter which way we choose to do it.
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