I remember seeing the warnings about co-sleeping when I was pregnant with Finn and it deeply frightened me. There were tonnes of articles detailing the risks of parents sleeping with their babies and SIDS so like many other things you say you will NEVER do when you become a parent (but you actually end up doing all of them), I was adamant I would not co-sleep.
However, what I never saw were articles about mum’s falling asleep whilst breastfeeding from pure exhaustion and the dangers that could pose as well. When I had to be induced with Finn at 37 weeks, I knew he wasn’t ready to come out of that cosy belly from the moment he was born. He needed me all of the time. He needed to be close to me and that fourth trimester is such a real thing because if he didn’t have the sound of my heart beat then he wouldn’t sleep. The first almost six weeks of his life, he slept on my chest (and sometimes beside me if I could get him down). It was terrifying but I could not get him down in his bassinet. From the minute his head touched the bassinet mattress he would wake and he would scream for me. So I did what I had too.
I set up a safe environment in our bed. I removed all heavy pillows but kept two light pillows on either side of me as a security and I slept between them cradling Finn on my chest. When he would wake, I would breastfeed him and sometimes fall asleep. I would wake up absolutely freaking out thinking something had happened to him, but there he was in the same spot and I knew I had set up a safe environment. Call it mother’s instinct but my body just knew where he was and how to protect him. Now, I am sure I didn’t sleep like this every night. There may have been times we miraculously got him down in his bassinet but it was definitely rare and nearly every night he was in our bed. Eventually, it got to the point where he didn’t need to be on my chest after initially falling to sleep but instead he would lay beside me and I would put a pillow between us and Chance so Chance never rolled near him.
As Finn started to get older, he started to go down in his bassinet more but while I was breastfeeding he would end up in our bed every night simply because I was too tired and too lazy to put him back to bed after every feed. When he stopped breastfeeding (at about 11 months) and when he transferred to his cot, he would sleep longer in his bed but when he woke during the night I would bring him in for cuddles because trying to soothe him and get him back down in his own bed was far too exhausting, especially after I returned to work. Finn was always a shocking sleeper and I don’t think he slept through an entire night until he was about 3 years of age. When he was old enough to climb out of his bed, he was in ours every single night after that first initial sleep and secretly Chance and I loved it. We adored the cuddles and waking up to his cheeky smiles. Were were encouraging bad sleeping habits? yeah, probably. But I cannot even begin to explain the exhaustion of a first-time mum to those who have yet to experience yet and you literally do what gets you through the night because trying to soothe or set a routine at 3am is not reality. You want to get that baby to sleep ASAP so you can catch some shut-eye so if Finn would only fall asleep snuggled up next to me then so be it. It also took me back to when I was a young kid with a single mum and how every night I would end up crawling in to mums bed because lying next to her and being snug and warm was my biggest sense of security. Every time I thought I was doing the wrong thing by letting Finn in our bed or telling him to go back to his bed, I thought of that moment when I was young and I told myself I would let it be.
Fast forward to Leo and I already had the expectation of co-sleeping. Firstly, because I was being induced at 37 weeks again so I knew my baby was going to need to be close to me and secondly because I had truly grown to love it. When Leo was born, he wasn’t as needy as I thought he would be and he slept like the first 24 hours in his bassinet! When we got home, he didn’t have too much of a problem going down in his bassinet but the hardest part for me was the frequent two hour wake-up for feeds. I just couldn’t do it. I think I was even more exhausted than the first-time around and I couldn’t get up every two hours to feed without falling asleep, and falling asleep whilst breastfeeding sitting up or in a chair was a much scarier thought for me than laying down and feeding him to sleep whilst I also slept. So, I did what I had learnt from Finn and I set up a safe environment in the bed. Light duvet, light pillows as a border blocking off Chance and plenty of space for him to stretch his little arms. He is also usually dressed lightly and the duvet sits quite low on him or sometimes he is just in his own sleeping bag without our blanket on him. When he would wake every few hours, I would feed him laying down and he was suckle away until he dozed off, as I did as well! When he would wake again, I would flip over to the other side for him so he could feed back to sleep again and this is still how we do it today (I often wake up with my boobs just hanging out and that is a sight that should never be seen!!!) . He always starts off for his first sleep in his bassinet and after that he comes in to bed with me and sleeps with me until the morning. Co-sleeping this way also meant that I have never had to re-settle Leo back to sleep when he wakes in the night. When he wakes and feeds, he immediately goes back to sleep because he knows I am still close and he feels secure. This allows me to get a way better sleep than I would if I was up and re-settling him back down like I did with Finn many nights to try and get him back in his bassinet.
I’ll be honest and say there are still moments I freak out that something might happen. Of course, I know there is always a risk as accidents can happen. Sometimes I worry my hands might fling and bump him on the head or that Chance will roll over the pillow and on to him. Finn also still comes in to our bed often which I was most afraid of because I didn’t want him in the bed with Leo especially as a new baby as he doesn’t realise the impact of his own weight and he flings his arms and legs about in his sleep. The first six weeks, every time Finn came in he would have to be put back in to his bed because it was too risky and it was heartbreaking because on top of having to adapt to a brand new baby in the house he was also getting kicked out of our bed. As Leo got older and bigger, we allowed Finn to come back in but always on the edge of the bed with Chance as a barrier so he was never near Leo. So then we had four in the bed.
Despite these fears, I feel I am doing the best thing for my children. By no means am I telling people to co-sleep because things can go wrong just like they can with anything. Everyone needs to make their own personal choices about what works for them and their family. However, for ME co-sleeping and feeding in a safer controlled environment was a much better option than waking up to breastfeed my baby and being so exhausted that I would fall asleep with him in my arms. This way, for me, I know he is much safer by my side feeding. He will easily go back to sleep and I can also get some much-needed sleep. I also cradle my arms around him and wake up to him often during the night just to check he is OK, which he always is. I also feel like he can regulate his body temperature being close to me and I can always sense his breathing which I could not do when he is in his bassinet. I would often wake and freak out to see if he was still breathing.
I just want other mum’s to know that they’re not alone in this and that like many things, most of us just do what we can to pull through that exhaustion and get through that first year of our child’s life because it is undoubtedly one of the hardest and most tiring. My sleep is still interrupted but for a much shorter amount of time and less stressful because he will go straight back to sleep as he feels safe and secure so I don’t have to get up and re-settle him which again adds to exhaustion.
Not only that but there is nothing better than waking up to that adorable smiling face after a night of sleeping by mama’s side and he always had the biggest grins in the morning from a happy sleep. Despite Finn also sleeping in there and often disrupting Chance’s sleep, it is wonderful to have morning family snuggles and to know that they both feel safe and secure. When we wake up, Finn will snuggle up next to Leo and talk to him while Leo just looks at him in admiration. It is such a beautiful time to bond before we start the day ahead.
I’ll admit that I do look forward to the day when I can stretch my arms and legs out in bed and sleep like a starfish but one day soon we won’t have either of our boys in our bed and undoubtedly it will be something that we will deeply miss. So until that time comes we will soak it up, enjoy that extra bit of sleep ensuring we are doing it as safely as possible and knowing we are doing the best we can and what works for us.
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