It will never be the same, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
I have been with Chance almost eight years now and for five of those years we have had kids so remembering life before them is often a distant memory.
Every now and then we will be watching something on television and Chance will pipe up and say remember when we used to do that? and it can be anything from going out on a date night to simple things like cuddling in bed all morning with no need to get up.
You see the thing is, having children is life-changing and everyone has been told that but you don’t truly understand it until you have kids of your own and the first thing to be sacrificed is your relationship. Remember when you used to get invited to social events and you could just go without having to work around each other and the kids? Remember being able to have a sleep in on the weekends? Remember being able to talk to your partner without being interrupted every two minutes with a “muuuuuuuuum”? Or what about just having sex WHEN you wanted too and not timed around when the baby wakes?
Having kids takes a huge toll on your relationship and it takes a hell of a lot of work to keep the spark alive when your both dealing with sleepless nights and a working week ahead. I often say to people that I knew Chance and I would be OK getting married because we had survived having two children and although that sounds a bit rough, in many ways it’s true. Your kids become your priority and your spouse takes the back seat.
Your relationship after kids will consist of many disagreements. You’ll argue over stupid stuff like who does the most around the house (a lot!), who has had the most sleep (ahh, always him) and whose parenting decision is right. You’ll argue because you’re both bloody exhausted and the only other person to blame is each other. You’ll sacrifice time with them to make life easier for the kids. For many years Chance and I changed our working hours to keep Finn and now both kids in day care as little as possible and sometimes that meant having no days off together as a family and it was hard. Having that day as a family is so super important for the kids and since having Leo we have always made sure we get one day together just for all four of us.
Date nights become almost non-existent and as much as you would love to have time out together, leaving the kids with anyone can be such an effort that you just never do it (and you should!). I can tell you now there are definitely times I have missed Chance and I have been sitting right beside him (usually with a baby attached to my boob). Your sex life will take a hit because well…exhaustion. It sounds like the aged old excuse “I’m too tired” right?! but your actually beyond exhausted. The thought of having to be physically active at bed time just sounds even more exhausting. This intimacy needs to be something that you work on though because it is a vital part of any relationship AND it can release a lot of tension. Even working out a schedule or racing as soon as the kids are asleep (it’s not romantic but it gets the job done!) . My tip is try not to wait until right before you go to sleep because that’s when you’ve already got to that “too tired” stage.
It won’t always be like this though. I would say the first 3-4 years are probably the hardest but as the kids get older it does get easier. Any stage with a newborn is incredibly hard on both of you and you just have to do what you need to to get through, whether that means sleeping in the babies room so they can get a better nights sleep or taking time out with each child separately so they can each have attention (but you miss out on each other).
On the other hand of the coin, you have your team mate. You’ll have someone to run too when your lost for answers. You’ll collaborate together for the best possible option or they will make you see reason when you’re being unreasonable. You’ll have someone to vent too about the outside world even though they’re probably not listening but that doesn’t matter. You’ll share ideas for their birthday parties, their presents and ways of teaching them how to learn. You’ll message each other adorable pictures of the kids whilst at work and laugh about funny things they have done. You’ll sneak in to their bedrooms together after they have fallen asleep just to watch them sleep and wonder how you created something so beautiful (creepo’s!). You will share in equal joy when they have achieved something and you will high five each other when you get something right.
Having kids can either make you or break you and that’s the harsh reality. I think if more people had an awareness of just how much it will take a toll on your relationship, it might not hit them as hard. Open communication is key. Frustrated? talk to them about it. Upset? let it all out. Your problems can’t be resolved if you bottle them up. Equally so, life is too short to be miserable so if you’re unhappy make changes now.
For us, having kids made us stronger but I am not going to lie, there have been many times where I have just not liked Chance and vice versa. There have been times I have thought “fuck this, I can be a single parent” but I don’t want to be. We have been through SO many struggles and triumphs in our roles as parents. Things that could have teared us apart made us stronger and that’s because we never gave up. We always saw that life together would always be better than the alternative. It’s a roller-coaster, there is no doubt about it but having kids is the best thing we ever did and we did that shit together. We will continue to work through every hurdle to be the best parents we possibly can, together. He’s my best friend and I believe everyone deserves to find their team mate but never stop working on each other because when those kids leave the nest, it’s you two that are left. ❤
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